BREAKING NEWS: Katie Hopkins kills two migrants with one stone in innovative new proposals to deal with IMMIGRATION once and for all

SELF proclaimed People’s Princess and Sun Columnist Katie Hopkins today laid foundations in radical new proposal  to eliminate both immigration and foreign ‘migrants’ from our shores once  and for all. The ambitious project which has received backing from both Chancellor George Osborne and Prime Minister David Cameron has been dubbed “Katielossus” by its supporters.

The project advocates constructing a 960m high statue of Mrs Hopkins atop the iconic white cliffs of Dover, designed to be high enough not only to strike the fear of god into the asylum seekers of Calais  but also to have its provocative hand gesture visible to the eurocrats in Brussels.

above: “Katielossus” stands watch over the English Channel, Daily Mail Scientists have made speculations that if migrants make direct eye contact with the imposing celebrity they will be turned instantly into stone. 

A team of top Ministry of Defense experts have already been assigned the task of integrating a weapons array into the Colossus capable of vaporizing suspected migrant vessels and french fishing boats which stray into English waters.

Left: An artists impression of Katielossus instantly vaporizing Syrian refugees attempting to cross the English Channel on the side of a Hovercraft. State of the art hydraulic foot stamping technology is also thought to be in early design phases, which will allow Katielossus to crush any migrants who happen to make it to the shores of Dover like cockroaches.

Prime Minister David Cameron is also contemplating the possibility of upgrading Britain’s aging Trident nuclear deterrent through a series of nuclear warheads placed in the lower rear end of the monument, aimed at key locations in both Scotland and Belgium ready to be launched at a moments notice.

Concerns have been raised by Natalie Bennett leader of the Green Party on how such a machine can be powered without having a negative impact on the environment; though Chancellor George Osborne assures her that the entire project will be self sufficient, powered by eco-friendly jobseekers, apprentices and zero-hour contract workers running in a large series of ‘Manster’ wheels beneath the feet of Katielossus providing them with both jobs and work experience as well as tackling the growing obesity crisis.

EXCLUSIVE: RECLUSE CHANCELLOR GEORGE OSBORNE MAKES FIRST PUBLIC APPEARANCE IN MONTHS, ON BENEFITS AND ADDICTED TO PASTIES

RECLUSE Chancellor George Osborne today emerged from the basement of his £4,000,000 country estate making his first public appearance since the Pasty-gate scandal following an investigation by under-cover reporters.

Since disappearing from the public eye last April in the midst of the scandal, Osborne has gained an estimated 400 pounds and become bed bound requiring round the clock care by a team of 20 carers including two gourmet pasty chefs all at the expense of the TAXPAYER.

ABOVE: Morbidly Obese Osborne is wheeled in front of number 10 to present his new budget, which includes tax exemption for people suffering from pasty related disabilities.

It has been revealed that for the past eleven months Osborne has been costing the tax payer £50,000 a day and has been claiming disability benefits despite photographic evidence that he is able to raise his right arm, casting doubt on the validity of his claims that he is unable to work due to his condition.

It is believed that Osborne’s self proclaimed addiction to pasties began last March when over the space of two weeks Osborne consumed over three hundred pasties in apparent PR stunts when promoting his Pasty tax. This is thought to have spiralled out of control when Osborne met Celebrity and fellow Pasty enthusiast Russell Brand at a charity function in late April.

RIGHT: March 2012, Osborne puts pasty in mouth and swallows, disproving earlier allegations that the Chancellor’s digestive system worked in reverse.

Reports indicate that shortly after meeting Brand Osborne began to move on from the relatively mild cheese & onion pasty to harder pastries such as the Cornish and Steak & Potato pasties. UKIP Leader and future Prime Minister Nigel Farage informs us that in the last parliamentary intermission of which Osborne was present he overheard the distinct sound of eating emanating from a cubicle in the Westminster toilets accompanied by a smell which Mr Farage described as “Foreign”.

Upon closer inspection Mr Farage discovered the remains of what he believes was a Chicken Tikka pasty, which led Mr Farage to level an accusation of cultural treason against Osborne for not eating a more recognisably British style of pastry, to which Osborne denied having consumed which he backed up by eating several Cornish pasties whilst singing the national anthem live on Sky News.

David Cameron earlier today released a statement on Osborne’s protracted sabbatical from public life stating “Holding a position of office is no easy task and we as leaders need to take frequent vacations in order to cope with the stressful nature of the job. I have full confidence in Chancellor Osborne’s abilities to handle the budget and have assurances that since purchasing a wii fit he will be fully able to fit through the door of his office before the next election“.

SCANDAL STRIKES ROYALS IN RENEWED DoE DOPING ALLEGATIONS

SCANDAL once more looms over Royal household after photographs emerged purporting to show Prince Philip’s ungainly muscular physique taken as he bathed at the royal Balmoral Castle residence over the weekend.  These latest revelations have led to renewed accusations of aristocratic doping from Labour MP’s  and parental committees around the country.

ABOVE: Ripped Duke flexes oiled guns at Balmoral Castle, Scotland

Concern was first raised last month after several complaints were made to OFCOM when an enraged Duke interrupted the Queens Christmas speech.  The “Iron Duke” as he referred to himself barged in front of cameras and insisted on performing feats of strength to the nation lasting several hours before retiring for a protein shake. The BBC later apologised for the interruption to the broadcasting schedules, claiming the extended speech was due to “unforeseen technical issues”.

When asked to comment on the Duke’s outburst, a spokesperson for the royal family stated “Prince Philip was merely excited having eaten a mince pie” and further that “performing feats of strength is a long standing family tradition amongst the Windsor’s and the Duke felt he should share this piece of British heritage with the nation”

Despite this explanation accusations have been made that the 91 year old Duke has been using anabolic steroids in order to enhance his performance as royal consort and to boost the image of his Duke of Edinburgh Award scheme.  Said scheme was the source for further controversy when the duke insisted on adding several new challenges including ‘Dead Lifting’, ‘Bench Pressing’ and ‘Squat Thrusts’ which would need to be completed in order to gain the higher tier of awards.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ABOVE: Iron Duke interrupts Queens speech though impresses nation by tearing Yellow Pages in half .

Following the doping allegations the Duke faces several blood tests which if yield positive for anabolic steroids could lead to the stripping of all Duke of Edinburgh awards presented by the Duke since 1956.  Though spokespersons of the royal family have denied the allegations stating “The dukes healthy physique is down to bi-monthly grouse hunts, strongly held conservative ideals and an unwavering belief in the Church of England”

EDL CRUSADE BID ENDS IN FAILURE

ENGLISH DEFENCE LEAGUE members today faced a gruelling trek home via public transport after their second attempted crusade to the Holy Land ended in Failure.

Early reports indicate that shortly after departing via pontoon from Middlesbrough a foul wind drove the would-be crusaders ashore at Scarborough. Confused and Disorientated many of the crusaders believed that they had already arrived in the holy land and proceeded to loot and pillage the arcades before absconding with an estimated £50 in two pence pieces.

ABOVE: EDL Founder and Spiritual Leader Sir Stephen Lennon of Luton (Pictured centre left) Sallies forth towards Scarborough with his followers, having Mistaken the seaside town for the Holy City of Jerusalem.

Sir Stephen and his pillaging mob were eventually subdued when an off duty community support officer approached the group as they attempted to kick down a sand castle and informed them that they were in fact on the Yorkshire coast. Realising his error Sir Stephen and his motley crew apologised and took up residence in Scarborough castle where they proceeded to hand out leaflets and prevent foreign tourists from entering the historical site.

As the castles stores began to dwindle and with little hope of resupply Sir Stephen decided to admit defeat, blowing up the castle and torching the town to prevent it falling into the hands of Islamic paedophile gangs.

ABOVE: Sir Stephen recruits followers in Gateshead preceding the EDL’s first attempted crusade which ended abruptly when Sir Stephen forgot his Passport at Manchester Airport.  

When interviewed on how he was coping with his recent failure Sir Stephen commented “It’s been difficult, I can hardly walk out my front door without being called a ‘loser’, just the other day someone scrawled ‘Sir Stephen Stinks’ on the bog door at the bookies.” Despite these  torments Sir Stephen has already begun drawing up plans for his third crusade which he hopes to embark upon later this year.

DAVID CAMERON REVEALED AS FRENCHY

ETON educated lefty Condem leader David Cameron suffered another blow to his reputation this morning as pictures emerged of him drinking WINE, eating FROGS and smoking NON-BRITISH TOBACCO in front of the Eiffel Tower.

ABOVE: Outed europhile Cameron smokes fag and eats frog whilst texting Rebecca Brooks

An eyewitness reported that “He (Cameron) uttered the word ‘Merci’ (Thank you) to the waiter and then paid in Euros” This incident marks the second time in a week that Cameron’s nationality has been brought into question after it was discovered that Cameron’s family Immigrated from France to England during the Norman Conquest.

Cameron once again refused to comment on the allegations which UKIP Leader and future Prime Minister Nigel Farage attributed to “A Weakness of the Loins”. Mr Farage went on further to criticise Cameron’s European Policy calling it “Cowardly” and “Politically Correct” he then Pledged to teach the frogs a thing or two by dusting off the Lancaster’s and raiding Brussels.

RIGHT: A Lancaster Bomber returns to Blighty after heroically bombing France in the Second World War, Mr Farage’s plans to reinstate the Iconic aircraft have been met with widespread praise and approval

When asked what other initiatives he had planned Mr Farage replied “It’s still early days but our plans at the moment are to focus on the removal of French sticks from Supermarkets, Citroen auto-mobiles from our roads and we’re considering a nationwide ban on the culinary use of Onions”

Whilst Mr Farage’s comments resonate with most ethnic Britons there are some who feel that his positions will not be enough to stop the creeping influence of Europe upon our once proud nation. Numerous online petitions have emerged requesting that we fill in the Channel Tunnel and recommission HMS Victory in order to Blockade the port of Calais receiving over 800,000 signatures.